after being up all night, I wake at 4:50 in the afternoon and write down these thoughts:

You are a guest at a large dinner with many guests, and you know that the food is poisoned. What do you do? Do you try to dissuade others from eating any way you can? Do you try to dissuade others from eating with the truth, and endure the suspicion that you poisoned the food? Do you excuse yourself from the dinner without explanation? Do you excuse yourself with explanation? Do you pretend to eat? Do you converse and laugh and feast and share fate with the rest of the diners?

Now here's the problem: Life is that dinner, everyone you know is at the dinner, and the food is poisoned.